Parashat Chayei Sarah: Living a Full Life

Living Life Fully: The Example of Sarah

As I was wondering about the topic of our weekly message, I thought of Parashat Chayei Sarah, the life of Sarah. What does living life fully mean to us? How do we use what we have to the utmost? Avraham and Sarah are the best role models for us. We are told that the spelling of "Sarah" in the Torah, Vav-Yud-Vav, can be read from right to left and from left to right. Chazal tell us why: you can read it in one direction and the other because her years, her life, in whatever way you look at it, were absolutely perfect. As Rashi explains, at the age of 100, she was like a young woman of 20, and at the age of 20, like a woman of seven. All parts of her life were perfect. Whatever challenges or trials she faced, she always made the best of it. From her childhood to her youth to her old age, she achieved inner beauty and perfection, all while caring for others, giving to them, and bringing them closer to Hashem.

Sarah's Passing and the Limits of Divine Aid

A question arises regarding Sarah's passing. We are told that the Satan was the cause of her death, coming to tell her brusquely that her husband went to sacrifice her son. We wonder, if she was such a dear mother, so full of emunah (faith), how could she be so shocked as to pass away? How could the Satan have the power to influence her?

There's a very interesting explanation. Whenever Hashem gives a person a challenge, Hashem always provides special siata d'Shmaya (Divine assistance) to overcome difficulties. From my personal life, I know there are days that are harder than others. On those days, we daven (pray), we call out to Hashem, we beg, and we always feel how Hashem is closer to us, giving us the strength to overcome these difficulties.

We are told that the one who had the trial of the Akedah (binding of Isaac) was Avraham Avinu. Because these trials were so tremendous, he also had siata d'Shmaya, a special providential intervention. Hashem gave him support because he truly wanted to do it l'Shem Shamayim (for the sake of Heaven). However, Sarah, who was not involved in this trial and had no knowledge of it, did not merit this special siata d'Shmaya. That is why, when the Satan came and she was so taken aback, she was so shocked that she passed away.

Avraham's Measured Grief and Unwavering Faith

When Avraham returns from Har Moriah and finds that his wife has passed away, he comes to eulogize her and "to cry" (v'livkotah). Chazal tell us that in the Chumash, the word "v'livkotah" has a small kaf. All the letters are of normal size, only the kaf is small. Our sages tell us why: Avraham didn't cry hysterically or too loudly; it was a quiet, subdued cry. Why is it so important to point this out? After all, he had been married to her for so long, so he must have been very saddened and upset.

Avraham Avinu was a role model. People looked to him as a living example for their personal behavior. Had he cried hysterically, they might have thought, "Who knows why he's crying? He's crying because he knows that his going to the Akedah was the indirect cause of his wife's death. Perhaps that's why he's crying so badly; he has regrets that he went to the Akedah." So the Torah tells us Avraham was very careful about how he cried, not to cry too much. He wanted everyone to understand that this had been decided in Heaven. Hashem took the holy soul of his wife up to Heaven. He wasn't going to overshow his grief. On the contrary, he said, "You should know that what I did in the Akedah, I am convinced I did the right thing. And if Sarah passed away, it was because her time had come to leave this world."

That's why we are told in this Parasha, "Vayakom Avraham" - and he stood up, he stood erect. Just as we are told, "Vayakom Hasadeh" - the field where Me'arat HaMachpela was located was elevated. Can a field be elevated? We are told the field belonged to a very secular, immoral person, and now it was passing into the hands of Avraham Avinu. So the field itself became holy, became elevated, and that is "Vayakom Hasadeh." What does "Vayakom Avraham" mean? He stood up straight after he had bowed to Ephron. There's a double meaning here. After all, Avraham was facing tremendous challenges: the Akedah, then having to bury his wife, and Hashem had promised him the land, yet he didn't even have a plot of land to bury his wife. But Hashem had promised that the land would be his. The Midrash tells us that was his greatness: he never, ever questioned what Hashem did for him. He accepts everything and finds it the most normal thing to now acquire a plot of land for his wife.

That's what we are told in "Vayakom": in the face of challenges, in the face of difficulties, Avraham always stood erect, straight up with his emunah. He never had the slightest doubt in his faith in Hashem, and he knew that whatever Hashem did for him was always for the best. That is the way we must always behave and react in life, knowing, as hard as life can be sometimes, that's what Hashem wants for me. So it's a challenge, okay, but I must stand straight, and I must stand straight forward with emunah. Believe me, I'm talking to myself too, because there are always days that can be much harder than others, but we stand straight and we just ask Hashem, "Please help us further." And we don't have the slightest doubt that Hashem only means our good, even if we don't always understand it.

The Importance of Character and Joy in Mitzvot

So we ask, how do we live life fully? First, by realizing that we have to make the best of every situation, standing erect and continuing. How else do we make the best of every situation? What we have to do in life is actually to try to improve ourselves, to work on our character, on our middot. This is what the whole story of Yitzchak's shidduch (match) teaches us.

Avraham Avinu tells Eliezer, "I want you to go to Haran, to my place of birth, and I do not want you to take a girl from the inhabitants of this land. I live amongst them, I see them. I see their immorality, I see how spiritually low they are, how dishonest they are, and that's not something that I want for my son." The question is asked, were they better in Haran? They were idol worshipers there. But Avraham Avinu says that the Canaanites are descendants of Ham, and Ham had been cursed by Noah because of his immorality, because of his lack of respect towards his father. Avraham Avinu teaches us that immorality and bad character traits get passed on to children. Idol worshiping, or intellectual traits like cleverness, the way you think, is not always passed over to children in their DNA. But if a person is loving and caring and patient, and a child grows up with this, it automatically passes on to him. Just as we say, what did Avraham Avinu instill in his children? That we are baishanim, rachmanim, v'gomlei chasadim - that we possess shame, we are not arrogant, we have mercy on others, and we always try to be good towards others. This is part of our spiritual DNA.

So when Eliezer goes to look for a girl, he says, "What do I need? What must I look for? What are the most important character traits that I have to look for?" And he says, "I have to look for someone who will fit totally into the spirit of Avraham Avinu's home." And what is that spirit? Chesed – it's not just doing good, but running to do good. What did Avraham Avinu do when he saw the angels arriving? He didn't look at his own physical discomfort; he ran! He was full of joy that he could receive guests into his home. Because when you run to do something, when you do it rapidly, that shows how much you enjoy doing it. When I am looking forward to doing something, I put all my energy into it; I do it very fast. On the contrary, when I'm not in the greatest of moods and I have to do something, it'll be much slower, it'll take me so much more time. So when Eliezer sees Rivka, he asks for water, and "vatilaher" - and she runs. And when he sees her running to do it, she doesn't tell him, "Here's the well, it's self-service, everybody can take water alone." But she runs, and she does it so happily. And so he understands, "This is the girl who will fit perfectly into the home of Avraham Avinu."

The Transformative Power of Torah

The question is also asked, is it so easy to change your character? What if a person says, "But I don't possess certain qualities, and I so much want to possess them?" We are told, look at the example of Eliezer. When he comes into Rivka's home and meets Lavan and Betuel, Lavan tells him, "Bo baruch Hashem" - "Come in, blessed man of Hashem." And the Midrash teaches us, Eliezer was a descendant of Ham, and Ham had been cursed. And Avraham Avinu had told him, "Eliezer, as much as I love you, you cannot take my son for a son-in-law, because you are cursed. You are still under the curse of Ham. You are a wonderful person, but that is your yechus (lineage). You have this curse on your family, but my son is baruch, he is blessed."

But after this whole story takes place, and Eliezer has shown his exceptional qualities, his dedication, his devotion to his master, and how he prays and prays and prays because he really wants to succeed, we are told, what gave Eliezer this greatness? How did he manage to change himself to that extent? And we are told, "Because dol u'mashkheh mi'ratz shel Torah" - because he learned from the Torah. It's the power of Torah that changed him, the power of Torah that improved him. And that is what we must always remember. We want to become better persons, we want to improve, we want to feel that we are changing something in our lives. We have to be dol u'mashkheh mi'ratz shel Torah. We have to get closer to Torah, closer to mitzvot. We have to pray to Hashem and do everything with joy and with love. And that is why we say in the Tefilah, "with chesed" - it's not only by doing good, it's loving, it's being happy, it's doing things, being wide awake, not falling asleep into some kind of routine, but always to do things with chiyut (vitality).

Every Minute Counts: Esther and Sarah

There's a very interesting and well-known Midrash that once Rabbi Akiva saw that all his students, while he was giving a shiur (lesson) full of vigor and enthusiasm, were dozing off. He suddenly says, "Who can tell me, why did Esther HaMalka merit to reign over 127 states? Why did she become the wife of Achashverosh?" Suddenly, all the students woke up. They heard the question and had no idea. And he answers, "You know why? Because she was a granddaughter of Sarai Imainu, who lived 127 years." The question is asked, what's the connection between 127 states and 127 years? And the students look at him, and he says, "You know why? Because Sarai Imainu lived for 127 years, and each year was lived to the utmost. She was perfect in everything. So for each year of her life, her granddaughter Esther, her great-great-granddaughter, Esther HaMalka, received one state. So for 127 years, she received 127 states. Which means if for one year she received one state, one country, that means for one month she received one town. That means for one hour, she received a certain area of the town, and then for one week, she received a street, and then for each minute of her life, she received a house. Imagine you're getting an apartment in Yerushalayim near the Kotel for one minute of your life because you did it with joy and with enthusiasm!" So that's what Rabbi Akiva said: "Don't ever fall asleep. Use every minute. You don't know what rewards you can get for doing so."

Shidduch Stories: Divine Providence and Truth

I would just like to quickly end with two stories connected to shidduchim, because we know that when Eliezer tells the whole story to Lavan and Betuel, and he says, "I want to take a wife," they said, "Yes, take Rivka, because we have nothing to say; miHashem yatza hadavar - everything is from above, everything comes from Hashem." And shidduchim are uniquely made in Heaven, because all matches are made in Heaven, because it's decided 40 days before a person is born. And how did the shidduch come about? Through the prayers of Eliezer; he prayed and prayed and prayed. That's why we are told that the power of prayer is a main factor in shidduchim.

The story is told to help us understand how everything is in the hands of Hashem. The story is told of the Chasam Sofer, who was approached by a businessman. He was approached by a businessman who said, "Could you find me an exceptional future son-in-law? I have an amazing daughter, I'm willing to give lifelong support so that he should sit and learn. Find me a truly great boy." So the Chasam Sofer told him, "You know what, I have a lot of good boys, but I haven't yet tested them. I'm about to test them. In another three, four weeks, after I've tested them, I'll decide who is the most suitable for you, and I will send him to your house with a letter, and you'll know it's him."

So after three, four weeks, he tested the boys, and he found a truly exceptional boy. He decided, he writes a letter. He tells the boy, "You're going home for Shabbat. On your way, please hand over this letter to my friend. He's waiting for an urgent message from me." Okay, so the boy took the letter, and he looks at the address, and he sees it's quite far from his home. So he has a friend, and he says, "Listen, you live nearer than me. Would you mind taking this letter to his friend? The Rosh Yeshiva asked to take this letter." And the other boy, who was a very average student, nothing outstanding, says, "Sure, I'll do it." And he takes the letter, he comes to the home of the businessman, and the businessman opens the letter and says, "This is a suitable candidate for you." Brings him into the house. Believe it or not, the shidduch was made. And the Chasam Sofer said, "You see, I thought, 'Who is the best? Who is the most suitable candidate for this girl?' It was my choice. Actually, who chooses? It's all Hashem."

There's also a very nice story about the Rav of Ponevezh. Rav Grossman of Migdal HaEmek tells the following: he was once approached by a shadchan (matchmaker) who wanted to suggest a shidduch for an elderly student of his. He was already approaching his thirties; he was a very good boy, but the parents were very picky, very difficult. No one was good enough for them. So this shadchan comes one day and says, "I have an amazing idea. I found the perfect girl for him, and she's abroad. She lives abroad, I don't know in which town in chutz la'aretz (outside of Israel). The only problem is that her family, she's an amazing girl, but the family are quite simple. They're not well-to-do and they're simple, nothing exciting about the family, but the girl is a catch. But in that town there's a second family who also have a daughter, but that daughter is nothing special, but they're very wealthy, and they have yichus (distinguished lineage). Do you think I'm allowed to, you know, as if to mix a bit the names of the fathers, try to present it a bit differently, to make some changes when I present the shidduch? Because I'm sure if I just go and present the shidduch, they'll never accept."

And Rav Grossman said, "Give me a few minutes to think." He goes into the Beit Midrash, and when he comes in, he sees a sefer (holy book) of the Ponevezher Rav open on Parashat Chayei Sarah. And the Ponevezher Rav says there, when we see that the story is repeated, the story of Eliezer, how he comes and how he prays, and then how Avraham talks to him, and then he tells the same words over to Lavan and Betuel. The words are repeated over and over, and they're always the same. And the Ponevezher Rav says, "You should know that people, when they try to break a shidduch, they say certain words; they say to the side of the boy, then they say different words to the side of the girl, and they think because they're going to change, you know, say things that are often not truthful, the shidduch will come to be." He said, "You should know, miHashem yatza - it's Hashem who decides. So never, ever distance yourself from truth. You have to be truthful when you give a shidduch."

So Rav Grossman was so happy that he saw that. He came out, he went to the shadchan, and he said, "Listen, there's no way you're changing. You have to be truthful. Tell exactly who the girl is and who the family is." Okay? The shadchan was very disappointed. He said, "This shidduch will never work out." At midnight, he called Rav Grossman. He said, "Rav, I have to thank you. You will never, ever believe this!" He said, "I called them up and I told them about the girl and how amazing. Then I spoke about the family, and they said, 'Ah.' And they said, 'Ah, we will look into it, because we know that other family who has the same name. And you should know, had it been their daughter, we would have never gone into it, because our parents were never on speaking terms with them. But this girl, we're willing to go into it, to look at it.'" The right time came, and they got engaged two weeks later.

So you should know, in Yiddishkeit, as much as we try and think and do, miHashem yatza hadavar. So to all those who are out there still looking for a shidduch, don't give up. Just continue praying and know, miHashem yatza hadavar. May we always, always share many more simchas together. Have a wonderful Shabbos.

Chayey Sara 2020